Be Not Solitary

I feel alone.

That statement could be interpreted as self-pitying or some other such sneering description, but it's really not. It's just a statement of a fact and one that I wonder if will ever change.

I have both a mom and a dad (not together anymore) that both keep in touch. I have two brothers that don't speak to me or each other. I have a wonderful little daughter and a loving long-term relationship with a wonderful girl that I met 6 years ago, and they give me plenty of time & attention.

So why lonely, with all of that? I dunno. Other than those that I consider 'family', I don't really feel like I have made many friends in life.

I was raised in a strict religious order where friends with 'outsiders' was prohibited. I broke away from that in my adult life, but it's left me feeling terribly awkward when it comes to actually just "hanging out" with people because the rules are so different from what I grew up with.

I spend a lot of effort reaching out to people - people I went to school with and barely knew, people I've worked with or hung out with in the distant past and haven't seen for years, people I've 'met' online through various music or firearms related sites & e-lists. I try hard to keep up with them and some of them try back, which I always appreciate. I like a lot of those people and would like the chance to actually hang out in person - sometimes that happens too, but not too often.

Why so difficult?

Random Night...

I gotta tell you, I love getting out at night. I don't mean getting out to a bar, or a club, or a show etc. My favorite times & experiences are often just being OUT at night, the later the better and the more quiet & serene the better.

Something about the quiet, the solitude and the beauty of the night is totally refreshing to me in a way that nothing else is.

I miss the road trips I used to take - just me in my 67 Mustang on some deserted highway in the middle of Nowhere, TX. Windows down and air rushing in, little or no traffic, the hum of the engine, the moon & stars up above. Usually the radio was off, but sometimes a little Miles Davis or Coltrane, or Van Morrison.

I could drive for hours and just be in love with the feeling. Sometimes I could hear the locusts or crickets in the fields as I cruised by. Sometimes I'd see a rabbit or a deer near the side of the road, looking up startled as I passed. Beautiful.

I was reminded of all that tonight, even with just a short trip to a local convenience store. The air is cooling, the moon is bright even as it's partially shrouded by soft grey cloud. Stars peek through. The roads were nearly empty and all was fairly quiet, for a suburb of the city. Just that 10 minutes was refreshing to the soul!

Quiet night, cool air with window down. There is a guy I know named 'Sam'. Sam is from Nepal and had loaned me a tape of some of the Indian music he likes - a Khazana recording written & narrated by Gulzar. Tonight, that music was absolutely the perfect thing to go with everything around me. That trip was 10 minutes of paradise.

It's the little things that count, and this was one of them.

dw

Music of Khazana / Gulzar:

At Odds...

I don't know how much more 'at odds' I could be in life.

It seems that throughout my life, my independent thinking has put me at odds with my peers and caused rifts between myself and those of any given group that I am considered to be a member of.

I have lived parts of my life in so many difficult & varied positions and in so many diametrically opposite circumstances that I have gained perspectives that many of my peers have not.

I don't mean to suggest that I am the only one to have gained insights through these kinds of opposing entanglements in life, but I do believe that the majority have not so thoroughly lived them.

Through these things I have gained empathy beyond what many around me have, some insight I think - and have in so many cases moved from one side of an argument or belief system into a totally differing position. This can make me unpopular with those that hold either position strongly because unlike them I do not just see "my" side, I see both through having lived both.

While I am extremely passionate about my beliefs, I also realize that we are not infallible and that our beliefs should always be open to change if a stronger & better viewpoint reveals itself.

Whether it be the political right & left - I am at odds with both positions, even while grasping and to some degree holding close to aspects of each. Or religionists or secularists, I am at odds with both - yet hold an understanding of both that few will ever have. I have lived both positions on each of these, and not just on the fringes but heart & soul dedicated to one or the other at certain times in my life.

I've been physically attacked for refusing to salute a flag or sing a national anthem, yet attacked by others verbally as a "jingoistic flag-waving nationalist'. I've been an anti-war type and non-violent pacifist who was prepared to suffer or even die for that position, yet also a staunch 2nd Amendment gun-rights advocate and someone that absolutely & unapoligetically believes in the right to self defense with whatever level of force is neccesary in order to prevail and preserve your life. How can such contradictions be?

I have been the oblivious dreamer sleepwalking through reality, and in other times been hyperfocused and situtationally aware while everyone else sleepwalked right by me. I've done years of unpaid volunteer work to benefit the Spanish speaking community and counted many illegals as my friends, yet also been upset by the scope of the illegal invasion and the damage it's doing. Economically, whether it be poor & living out of a car or living in an expensive lavish house - I have done both. Whether it be wrecking a relationship, or desperately trying to hold one together - I've done both. So many things like this I could name but it would take hours.

I wish my peers would understand that my views are formed from a depth of life experience and never just a lemminglike wish to fit in with the group OR a desire to be difficult and 'different'. Instead of quick harsh judgements I wish more of my peers would actually consider an intelligent, logical and heartfelt constructive discussion - one without the trappings of dogma, partisanship, etc.

I am very tolerant towards the viewpoints of others and wish more of them would be the same instead of letting philosophical or ideological differences be an excuse for distance.

I am at odds with the world and am afraid it will always be this way.

dw



"I never submitted the whole system of my opinion to the creed of any party of men whatever - in religion, in philosophy, in politics, or in anything else where I was capable of thinking for myself. Such an addiction is the last degradation of a free and moral agent. If I could not go to heaven but with a party, I would not go there at all."
-- Thomas Jefferson, letter to Francis Hopkinson, (1789)